#4: Have a Difficult Conversation

In the words of one my life-long best friends: “For me, having difficult conversations has been about learning to give feedback to people both above and below me, making sure that I don't hurt their feelings but that I also really help them grow. I know you have difficult conversations all the time with patients, but make sure you experience it as a peer or as a subordinate. Giving honest feedback has been a real growing point for me - not only facing the fear of doing it, but figuring out how to get the message across so that someone actually alters their behavior based on what you said.”

This task is insanely personal, so I am not going to divulge the particulars of the when, why and how, but I will say with confidence…mission completed more than once (and we are only two months in here). I will, however, share with you the principles I try to use when having difficult conversations. Thankfully, God has blessed recent circumstances with some willing hearts open to the idea of change.

Rules For Fight Club…Impassioned Dialogue:

1. Be lovingly authentic. I’m a big fan of telling it like it is in most settings with direct candor. However, in delicate matters I think it is best to remember as important as the truth is, the truth often hurts. We still need to bring truth to light, but remember to do so in a gentle, loving way. Note: gentle and loving is not passive or hidden. You have to be direct in the truth, but phrase things in a gentle, loving, soft way.

2. Avoid ‘you’ statements. “You forgot to take out the trash” is laden with blame; it will naturally put the receiver on defensive alert. Opt for ‘I’ statements. “I would really appreciate it if you could take out the trash when it is full.”  Likewise, “You never listen to me” sounds very different from “I feel like I am not being heard; I feel frustrated and misunderstood.”

3. Avoid the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’ Again, use of these words is going to put the receiver on the defensive. And really, does the person literally ALWAYS do X and NEVER do Y?  When phrasing a case this way, you are setting yourself up for your point to easily be refuted with one simple example to the contrary. If you want your position to really be heard, try to avoid these words.

4. Take responsibility for your actions; say sorry when you are wrong (and mean it).As much as we like to demonize the other person, the painful truth is we most often have some hand in our present circumstances.  I recently encountered a woman who found out her husband was unfaithful.  She was hurt, she was sad, she was angry, but she acknowledged it wasn’t completely his fault.  She realized she had made decisions that had alienated him from her. She didn’t force him to cheat on her; he made that decision on his own…but she recognizes that she helped build the circumstances that brought him to that place. Acknowledge your hand in the present problem, so you can figure out the role that you need to play to be part of the solution.

5. Stop keeping score. I am almost haunted by the passage in 1 Corinthians 13 which states, “Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, and it keeps no record of wrongs.” When my sisters and I were little (and still today), we were GREAT at keeping score and I was the chief scorekeeper. Our memories were unfortunately long. When we fought, we dragged every ghost of fights past into the heart of the current fight. As a result, it got ugly, quickly. When arguing from the past, we can lose sight of what is really at the heart of the current matter making it hard to move past the argument. To be productive, try to keep today’s fight about today.

6. Try not to argue like a lawyer. I once heard a pastor describing marital arguments as this (paraphrased poorly): “When you argue in a marriage, you want to fight the opposite way of a lawyer. A lawyer is looking for the weakness of the other side’s argument, so she can attack it. In a marriage, you want to see the strengths of the other person’s argument. You are trying to understand where the other one is coming from, so you can work together to find a resolution and compromise that will benefit you as a couple.” I think this sound advice is applicable outside of the marriage paradigm as well.

7. Give each other grace. No one is perfect, but if you want to have any hope of reconciliation and peace in a relationship (any relationship…friendship, family, marriage), then you have to offer grace and reconciliation to each other. I always thought grace and forgiveness were gifts to be received; I have recently have been made increasingly aware that God also gave us the gift of giving these gifts. There is freedom in forgiving someone who has wronged you; freedom from the hurt, hate, anger that is welling up inside of you. There is freedom in forgiving someone who may never even know that they hurt you or who doesn’t even want your forgiveness. We as Christians are meant to forgive those who have wronged us not only as a gift to them, but also as God’s gift to us. There is freedom in giving forgiveness as much as in receiving it.

8. Treat each day as a new day. Each day is a fresh start; begin each day with forgiveness for yesterday so you can proceed forward.

Finally, I am issuing a special challenge to my married friends: Give three new compliments to each other every day. My experience is that newly-weds find this challenge easier than marriage veterans. Regardless, sometimes when the fights accumulate, it is hard to remember why you fell in love with someone in the first place. By pledging to give each other three compliments each day, it will force you to really think about what you love about your spouse. Obviously, if you are blessed with a long marriage it may eventually become harder to come up with ‘new’ things; my rule is that you can repeat an item if you specify as to how the quality was exemplified that day. For example: “My wife is kind (as said before). She exhibited kindness today when she spontaneously made my lunch for me when I was running late this morning.”

I am by no means an expert in conflict resolution; I can be quick to abandon the above principles in the heat of the moment. With practice, God’s grace, and guidance, hopefully difficult conversations will become a little less difficult and a lot more fruitful.