#4: Have a Difficult Conversation

In the words of one my life-long best friends: “For me, having difficult conversations has been about learning to give feedback to people both above and below me, making sure that I don't hurt their feelings but that I also really help them grow. I know you have difficult conversations all the time with patients, but make sure you experience it as a peer or as a subordinate. Giving honest feedback has been a real growing point for me - not only facing the fear of doing it, but figuring out how to get the message across so that someone actually alters their behavior based on what you said.”

This task is insanely personal, so I am not going to divulge the particulars of the when, why and how, but I will say with confidence…mission completed more than once (and we are only two months in here). I will, however, share with you the principles I try to use when having difficult conversations. Thankfully, God has blessed recent circumstances with some willing hearts open to the idea of change.

Rules For Fight Club…Impassioned Dialogue:

1. Be lovingly authentic. I’m a big fan of telling it like it is in most settings with direct candor. However, in delicate matters I think it is best to remember as important as the truth is, the truth often hurts. We still need to bring truth to light, but remember to do so in a gentle, loving way. Note: gentle and loving is not passive or hidden. You have to be direct in the truth, but phrase things in a gentle, loving, soft way.

2. Avoid ‘you’ statements. “You forgot to take out the trash” is laden with blame; it will naturally put the receiver on defensive alert. Opt for ‘I’ statements. “I would really appreciate it if you could take out the trash when it is full.”  Likewise, “You never listen to me” sounds very different from “I feel like I am not being heard; I feel frustrated and misunderstood.”

3. Avoid the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’ Again, use of these words is going to put the receiver on the defensive. And really, does the person literally ALWAYS do X and NEVER do Y?  When phrasing a case this way, you are setting yourself up for your point to easily be refuted with one simple example to the contrary. If you want your position to really be heard, try to avoid these words.

4. Take responsibility for your actions; say sorry when you are wrong (and mean it).As much as we like to demonize the other person, the painful truth is we most often have some hand in our present circumstances.  I recently encountered a woman who found out her husband was unfaithful.  She was hurt, she was sad, she was angry, but she acknowledged it wasn’t completely his fault.  She realized she had made decisions that had alienated him from her. She didn’t force him to cheat on her; he made that decision on his own…but she recognizes that she helped build the circumstances that brought him to that place. Acknowledge your hand in the present problem, so you can figure out the role that you need to play to be part of the solution.

5. Stop keeping score. I am almost haunted by the passage in 1 Corinthians 13 which states, “Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, and it keeps no record of wrongs.” When my sisters and I were little (and still today), we were GREAT at keeping score and I was the chief scorekeeper. Our memories were unfortunately long. When we fought, we dragged every ghost of fights past into the heart of the current fight. As a result, it got ugly, quickly. When arguing from the past, we can lose sight of what is really at the heart of the current matter making it hard to move past the argument. To be productive, try to keep today’s fight about today.

6. Try not to argue like a lawyer. I once heard a pastor describing marital arguments as this (paraphrased poorly): “When you argue in a marriage, you want to fight the opposite way of a lawyer. A lawyer is looking for the weakness of the other side’s argument, so she can attack it. In a marriage, you want to see the strengths of the other person’s argument. You are trying to understand where the other one is coming from, so you can work together to find a resolution and compromise that will benefit you as a couple.” I think this sound advice is applicable outside of the marriage paradigm as well.

7. Give each other grace. No one is perfect, but if you want to have any hope of reconciliation and peace in a relationship (any relationship…friendship, family, marriage), then you have to offer grace and reconciliation to each other. I always thought grace and forgiveness were gifts to be received; I have recently have been made increasingly aware that God also gave us the gift of giving these gifts. There is freedom in forgiving someone who has wronged you; freedom from the hurt, hate, anger that is welling up inside of you. There is freedom in forgiving someone who may never even know that they hurt you or who doesn’t even want your forgiveness. We as Christians are meant to forgive those who have wronged us not only as a gift to them, but also as God’s gift to us. There is freedom in giving forgiveness as much as in receiving it.

8. Treat each day as a new day. Each day is a fresh start; begin each day with forgiveness for yesterday so you can proceed forward.

Finally, I am issuing a special challenge to my married friends: Give three new compliments to each other every day. My experience is that newly-weds find this challenge easier than marriage veterans. Regardless, sometimes when the fights accumulate, it is hard to remember why you fell in love with someone in the first place. By pledging to give each other three compliments each day, it will force you to really think about what you love about your spouse. Obviously, if you are blessed with a long marriage it may eventually become harder to come up with ‘new’ things; my rule is that you can repeat an item if you specify as to how the quality was exemplified that day. For example: “My wife is kind (as said before). She exhibited kindness today when she spontaneously made my lunch for me when I was running late this morning.”

I am by no means an expert in conflict resolution; I can be quick to abandon the above principles in the heat of the moment. With practice, God’s grace, and guidance, hopefully difficult conversations will become a little less difficult and a lot more fruitful.

#3: a) Visit Washington Family b) Complete a Covert Mission

As I mentioned, I am including at least one submission from everyone who participated in the challenge.  In order to do that, I had to combine several people’s submissions in some creative ways.  I got especially creative with Challenge #3– but I think the CalArtians would approve of the creativity.

Most of my dad's family lives in Washington state where he grew up.  Regrettably, because of the distance and the cost of travel, we didn’t get to see each other very much as I was growing up.  Back then, even long distance phone calls were expensive because they had to be paid by the minute. If you went one second over, you had to pay for the whole minute. I have vivid memories of my parents lining my sisters and I up in the kitchen once a month, so we could talk to our grandparents on the phone. We often kept the oven timer running, so we could make sure time didn’t get away from us.

Last year I returned to Washington for my grandfather’s funeral. It was the first time I had been there since a family vacation when I was 11 years old.  Even though we were there for a funeral, I really enjoyed the time with my relatives, especially my sister from my dad's first marriage.  After hearing about me talk about my time with my relatives so much, one of my close friends challenged me to a return visit.

Unfortunately, I am short on vacation time this year because I started a new job.  As much as I would love to go out to Washington again, it just wasn’t in the cards for this year.  My oldest nephew’s graduation from college, on the other hand, was definitely in the cards. I checked with The Council…meeting with Washington relatives on non-Washington soil satisfies the intent of the challenge, thus Council approved! 

My nephew is super intelligent and musically talented; we were so excited when he got accepted into California Institute of the Arts.  Four years later and I can't believe how fast time has gone and that he is ready to be on his own in the real world.  I was not going to miss the honor and privilege of watching my oldest nephew graduate from college.

I will be a proud aunt of my nieces and nephews no matter what, but the fact that our eldest of the next generation graduated from CalArts was just down right cool.

The graduation was on the campus of CalArts, which conveniently enough would provide me the oppurtunity to finish the second part of this challenge: a covert mission. CalArts is home to the famous Room A113.  You may have heard about Room A113 because of its recent buzz on the internet, but even if you haven’t heard of it, you have seen the fruits of its labor.  Room A113 is the graphic design and character animation classroom at CalArts.  Pixar recruits heavily from CalArts. As a result, many of its animators have covertly hidden A113 in each of the Pixar movies as a nod to where they all got their start.

While we were sitting outside, waiting for the graduation to start, my second-oldest nephew and I snuck in the main building to find Room A113.  The room was slyly tucked away in a non-descript hallway.

 

People were inside the room, so we couldn’t go in…but I stuck my phone through the door to catch this interior shot...super-stealthy-Ninja-style!

MISSION 3B: COMPLETE.

After our photo excursion, we headed back to the lawn for graduation. CalArts does graduation like no other academic institution. The graduates didn’t wear robes; they got to wear whatever they wanted (and my sister warned that I shouldn’t be surprised if some chose to wear their birthday suits).  Instead of processing to “Pomp and Circumstance,” they walked in to the styles of African tribal music with student tribal dancers ushering them to their seats.  As each graduate’s name was called, a 30-second musical spot of their own choosing was played as they walked across the stage; we heard Disney, rap, classical, and various theme songs throughout the night.

Our Keynote speaker was CalArts Alumn John Lasseter, Chief Creative Officer of Walt Disney and Pixar Animation Studios.  He said many wise and entertaining things, but the two that stuck with me the most: 1. You need others. Lean on others. Celebrate others. 2. In the art world, you are not competing with each other. Great art makes you want more.  Don’t make it a competition, when everyone will benefit from collaboration.  Although his remarks were about art, I think they are applicable to many more life domains, including medicine.

As fun as the graduation was, my favorite part of the trip by far was hanging out with my family. Because my sister and I don’t get to see each other very often, it was amusing to recognize all of our similarities, especially with regard to our quirky habits.  I am hoping to see my sister and nephews again soon. 

 

#2 Grow Something

I will admit, when I first read this suggestion, it didn’t particularly excite me.  It seemed too simple, too ordinary.  Not quite 30 worthy. Then two other people suggested it, so I felt compelled to re-consider.  To be fair, one of my friends suggested I could grow anything….he suggested a child.  Given that I live in an apartment without access to planting land and my balcony receives zero sunlight, for a second I considered it.    Then I spent the day with my five littlest nieces and nephews…probably best to keep it to plants.

One of my beloved friends specifically requested that I grow something from seeds, so off to Home Depot I went.  Inspired by the fact that several people submitted cooking challenges, I decided to attempt an herb garden.  This decision was not at all influenced by the fact that Home Depot sells an affordable herb garden starter kit with all supplies included. ;)  I remained skeptical that my shadowy balcony would fruitfully produce herbs, so I also got some wildflower seeds as a back-up plan. I figured wildflowers are fairly hardy considering they naturally grow in the wild, so I was practically guaranteed success.

Although I initially had little emotional interest in this challenge, I was unexpectedly hooked from day one.  Racing to my balcony to inspect my garden became my new post-work routine.  After a few days passed without seeing any sign of progress, I quickly doubted my gardening skills. I lamented the absence of growth to a friend; he was quick to tell me to give it time and to continue to water and nurture the vacant pots of soil.  One week from the day I first planted, I had my first cilantro sprout.

 

Most of my sprouts came up from the ground folded over like this. Who knew? By their second day above dirt they generally advanced to upright sprouts. Once the first few sprouts sprouted, their innumerable friends joined. 

 

 

More Recently

 

 

 

Gardening has taught me the value of patience. I’m still contentedly and expectantly waiting for my wildflowers to grow buds and blossoms, though I am enjoying the variety of the greenery pictured above in the meantime. It’s also taught me the importance of loving/nurturing to individual needs.  At first, I watered all of my plants equally not knowing any better.  Most of my plants did well enough, by the chives refused to grow.  I almost gave up on them, when a solitary chive sprout finally surfaced above the crust.  Its droopy appearance bore the truth that I was overwatering the little guy.  On the other hand, chives’ neighbor cilantro needs way more water than the rest.  Apparently, one size watering can does not fit all, even amongst the herb variety.

^"But as for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty."  --Matthew 13:23

#1: Puddle Jumping

I was amazed at how many people submitted suggestions involving rain.  Standing in the rain, lying in the rain, running in the rain, standing barefoot in the grass in the rain, jumping puddles with nieces and nephews in the rain, etc.…rain was by far the most common theme among the submissions.  As such, it was the easiest most logical place to start.  Fortunately, it rained for several days on end the week after my birthday. 

To include my 6-year-old niece and 2-year-old nephew I needed daylight hours.  I work 1.5 hours away from them, which makes predicting the weather in their yard a bit tricky.  Naturally, when I left work in a rainstorm, by the time I reached their house the storm cell had passed.  I entered their house with the thought of waiting it out to rain again or simply re-scheduling, but my 6-year-old niece had other plans.

As soon as I entered the house, she ran up to me “Aunt Katie, are we really going to splash in the puddles?”  Re-scheduling was off the table.  My astute sister suited up her small children with galoshes and rain-appropriate gear. I went barefoot as requested and sans rain gear to feel the full effect. We splashed. We danced. We sang. We took turns kissing in the “rain.” We marveled at worms splayed across the sidewalk. We played follow-the-leader through the yard, which particularly tickled my nephew. 

By the end of our fun, my poor nephew being the closest to the ground was by far the wettest, and thus the coldest…but he was a good sport and didn’t complain.  I had high hopes of washing my niece’s hair in the rain, but the rain didn’t cooperate...so we will rain check that one. 

Again, I am amazed how many people made submissions about rain. It’s something that most of us encounter quite often in our geographic setting, yet we fail to take time to treasure the wonder, power, and majesty of something as simple and essential as rain.  I challenge you to stop and enjoy the rain in all of its glory the next time you find yourself in a downpour!

The Start

At the age of 28 11/12s years old, I am not quite where I thought I would be in life...which is not a complaint, but an observation.  I'm single. I recently moved back to my hometown without the promise of settling down anytime soon. I started a new job a few months ago that I love, but not in the profession I had originally imagined for myself.  I am still very much living the vagrant lifestyle of a young 20-something.  For now, I am content with that. Looking back on my life thus far, I would not change a single thing up until this point. 

 

Having said all of that, looking ahead makes me a little nervous.  As I turn 29, I can't help but look ahead to the next birthday. Thirty...a new decade which brings with it new expectations.  For all of my contentment now, I realize that if I continue in this exact place for long, I will soon find myself in a rut that will be hard to escape.

It is with these things in mind that an idea was formed and a journey began.  I reached out to several of my close friends and family members with this letter:

 

Friends,

At the end of this month, I will be turning 29 (HOW? I know, right?). Normally, I am perfectly fine to accept the passage of time, but, truthfully, the thought of the following birthday which will launch me into a new decade of life is giving me a little bit of trepidation. 
 

As I was mulling this over, I came across a great article about a woman who wasn't so excited about her 31st birthday. As she was running around the morning of her birthday, she slipped and fell on the rainy sidewalk in front of a Baskin Robbins and its "31 Flavors" sign.  At that moment, she realized life comes in many flavors - some good, some bad, but we have to embrace them all.

 

She decided to make her life a little more interesting by having her friends and family suggest 31 new life experiences for her to embrace over the following year. She writes, "As we get older we gravitate to what we are good at or have a passion for. I needed to step back to a time when I'd try anything. It was an opportunity to fall in love with something new that I would have never known about. And by accomplishing a goal someone else set for me, it was like taking on a piece of that person and understanding what was important to them." You can find her blog (and list of 31 flavors) here: http://thirtyoneflavs.blogspot.com/search/label/31

So I am appealing to you, my dearest friends and family, to help me open myself up to new life experiences over the next year. What experiences should I embrace before saying goodbye to my 20s? I'm hoping you come up with a variety of flavors: some hard, some easy, some fun, some silly, etc. Please help keep the next year interesting as I say goodbye to my 20s.

A few caveats: 1. Be careful what you wish for...you all still have to deal with me over the next year and I will likely rope some of you into accompanying me for some of these 30 adventures. 2. Just to add some suspense, I am not going to reveal the full list until my 30th birthday. Plus, revealing a completely checked-off checklist will bring so much joy to this type-A personality's heart that you all are basically giving me the greatest 30th birthday gift ever.

So here's my request: please come up with a few random/exciting/crazy/silly/fun/serious/tough/easy/poignant/funny/spiritual/physical/mental/
cheap/extravagant/enriching/daring/awesome experiences you think I should take on before turning 30. You can come up with as many or as few as you want. You have until April 28th to make your suggestions. Based on your responses, I will choose 30 experiences to look forward to over the next year.

Thanks for coming on this journey with me!

Love,

Katie

My friends and family met the challenge with greater enthusiasm, dedication, and sincerity than I could have hoped.  I was quickly overwhelmed with over 100 challenges from which to choose.  I gained a new-found respect for the magnitude of 30.  Thirty new experiences. Thirty new things on my calendar. Thirty things out of my budget.  Thirty things putting demands on my vacation time.  Coordinating the details became daunting. 
 

When compiling the list, I kept a few principles in mind: I chose at least one item from everyone who made submissions.  I didn't want to leave out anyone who invested time, thought, concern, and love in me.  Also, if two separate people made the same recommendation, then it pretty much had to be on the list (notable exceptions: visiting the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls...I wish I could, but I just don't have the vacation time this year.  As a consolation, they are now on the lifelong bucket list in thanks to everyone who submitted these!).

To date, I have a rough idea of the 30 things I am taking on, but I am leaving it open to some variability. I have already realized things are going to happen in the next year which are totally beyond my control. I have back-ups to the original 30 in case an item falls victim to life's happenstance.  If you think I am being soft by not having this etched in stone, let me tell you...you are dead wrong.  I am a planner at heart. I like things defined and under the perception of my control.  I don't do open-ended well, but I am learning to accept it for the sake of taking on new experiences.

 

My friends and family have reached out to me to join this journey; I want to meet all of their challenges and expectations.  I have already realized that in my attempts to satisfy the requirements of the 30-for-30 Challenge, I will be tempted to potentially rush through these items for the sake of crossing them off of the list.  Rushing through anything would completely defeat the purpose of this endeavor, so I have built in an accountability system.  I asked three of my friends to serve as My 30-for-30 Council; whenever a question arises as to what fulfills a requirement, I take it to The Council for advisement.  The Council will not let this journey be corrupted by my proclivity to rush, force, and bend the rules to get things done for the sake of getting them done.

And away we go...thank you to everyone who has contributed to this journey so far and who will in the days to come!